“The inner workings of becoming one flesh”
Chad and I have had a pretty amazing run at marriage for the past twenty-two years. But, like all marriages, ours goes through phases. At times we feel closely connected. Other times we feel completely out of tune with each other.
When I look back on the more difficult phases of our marriage, I can see a pattern of a lack of communication. On the whole, it’s tough for couples to really tell each other how they feel. We hold back because we are afraid. We’re worried that our spouse will think we’re dumb or immature or too clingy or too sensitive. We’re concerned about revealing to our spouse that we are the big phonies that we feel in our hearts that we are. This is especially prevalent in Christian marriages. There are times when we work hard to keep our spouse from finding out who we REALLY are: regular old sinners who don’t have it together in any way. It makes us feel vulnerable, and we tend to fight against putting ourselves in that position.
But one of the keys of intimacy is vulnerability. When God said the two shall become one flesh, He wasn’t just talking about physical intimacy. I know my own flesh. I know every flaw, every thought, every desire of my heart. I know every way that I am likely to think and react in a host of different situations. I know all of my own likes and dislikes. I know what makes me feel loved and what makes me feel dejected. Not only that, but I love my own flesh. I try to take care of it and protect it. If Chad is now part of my flesh, then I should know these things about him and do these things for him, as well. But there’s only one way that I can know and love the real Chad, and that is if he talks to me. And there is no way he can accurately guess things about me– I have to communicate them to him. It’s impossible to become one flesh if we spend life trying to hide our struggles, our failures, and who we really are from our spouse.
Before we get married and we are in the phase of talking on the phone for four hours or gazing into each other’s eyes all evening while discussing hopes and dreams, it’s difficult to imagine a time when it will take great courage to try and communicate on that level. Yet, it seems that often the longer we know each other and grow and change, there are certain topics that get difficult to bring up. The need to know our spouse and be known by them doesn’t go away, but it can be easy to start creating compartments of our deepest thoughts that we can’t bring ourselves to bring up.
The truth is that even saying sweet and loving things to our spouse can start to feel awkward after a while. Couples who once absolutely spewed sweet nothings years ago sometimes feel weird just trying to say I love you. We can get self-conscious and feel dumb trying to express our love to our spouse. But we need to do it anyway. We can’t assume that we can live happily for the rest of our lives on what we said or did ten years ago. Marriage is an on-going exercise in making fools of ourselves for love’s sake. And I don’t know a person on the planet who doesn’t like to be told how much they are loved and appreciated.
But what if it seems hopeless? Some of you are in marriages where the trust has been so shattered that you barely make it through the day living in the same house, much less sharing intimate thoughts. To you I would just say to start small by setting aside five or ten minutes for honest conversation each day. Write it down if you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud. Be open about your struggles and your hurts.
Some of you are in marriages where you are the only person who has a relationship with Christ at all. This does make things difficult because on a heart and soul level there are things about you that your spouse doesn’t understand. You can’t grow in Christ together yet. But you can still strive for that one flesh intimacy by communicating with one another. In your marriage, this may be the avenue through which God speaks to your spouse. (1 Corinthians 7:13-14) And there is still plenty to know and understand about each other, even if you don’t have that spiritual connection that dual relationships with Christ afford.
Above all, whether your marriage is happily chugging along or is on the verge of collapse, pray. Pray without ceasing for the courage to open up.
For the wisdom to react in loving ways when your spouse is vulnerable. Pray for a change of heart in both of you. Pray for the determination that you need to stick it out, and for protection from the things that crop up in life that seek to destroy your intimacy and break your bond. One thing I can say after all these years is that there is no good time in marriage to become lazy or inattentive. If our marriages are going to last, if they are going to be the soul-enriching, love-pouring blessings that they are meant to be, then we have to constantly tend to our relationships.
Becoming one flesh is about giving all of your real, imperfect, messed up self to all of the brokenness of an other person. And then God’s love covers the whole thing and gives us beauty from what ought to be one big pile of ashes. He redeemed our souls, and He can redeem our marriages.
It takes courage. But He gives that, too, if we only ask.