Marriage Is More Than Feeling In Love
On a marriage forum I recently saw a woman describe her dilemma: “My husband and I have been fighting so much that I texted him and asked, ‘Do you love me?’ He answered yes. But then I asked him, ‘Are you in love with me?’ And he answered no. What should I do?”
I wonder where we got the idea that there is a difference between loving your spouse and being in love with your spouse? Love, in the present tense, is happening now. It is on-going. When you say I love you at the altar, when you pledge to stick close through sickness, through lean times, through the worst times, through heartache and hurt and even boredom, you are saying that you vow to love now, to love then, and to love until death separates you.
That kind of love can’t be measured in how many butterflies you get when you lay eyes on your spouse or in how many romantic dinners you’ve gotten in the past year. It can’t even be measured in how many arguments you have or in how often you really don’t have much fun together. The love you vowed to pour out on your spouse is immune to the not-so-fun times. It’s immune to the arguments, to the money struggles, to the long nights with sick babies, to the devastating news. The love you promised to give is selfless. It’s Christ-like. It’s completely unconditional.
That’s a love that doesn’t balk at some extra pounds or some extra years. It doesn’t run away. It doesn’t lose interest. It’s a love that says: I don’t have to feel in love with you at this moment to know that I love you.
Again and again people turn away from their completely normal, mostly happy marriages to the arms of another person who is, for the time being, giving them all of those feelings that they used to get when from their spouse. They wrongly believe that if they can’t maintain feelings of complete infatuation in their marriage that it’s wrong and bad and not worth saving. When we vow for better or for worse, maybe we should add in there that we will love each other even when there aren’t butterflies. Even when we don’t make each other feel like we’re the greatest thing that ever happened to the world. Even when real life crashes in and things aren’t that fun.
Marriage is a long road of ups and downs. Some days really are better than others. Sometimes things are tough and getting tougher. But when you aren’t feeling all that much enthusiasm for your relationship on any given day, there is something you can do about it.
Don’t sit around and wonder if you’re still in love with your spouse or if your spouse is still in love with you. Just love him. Just love her. Go above and beyond to shower your marriage with the kind of love that you promised you would demonstrate for the rest of your life. Real love goes so far beyond the feeling of being in love. Make your marriage a picture of sacrifice and blessing, and stop trying to decide what your feelings mean. In-love feelings come and go, but real love goes on and on.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7