No Pain, No Gain is a Lie
We’re all familiar with the notion that you can’t get anywhere in life unless you’re super hard on yourself. Gotta grind. To be most effective, we’re supposed to push our limits, focus on the target and achieve results through sheer force of will, no matter what. Like climbing a mountain, we keep moving up, regardless, until we reach the top.
Research since the turn of the century has explored how self-compassion is not only a more pleasant way to pursue goals or change, self-compassion is more effective at supporting change and the change is longer lasting. It’s also more thoroughly integrated.
What is self-compassion? Often it’s easy to be kind to our friends and family. It’s harder to be kind to ourselves. So self-compassion is, basically, being kind to yourself. Sometimes it’s going further and doing extra special things, like whatever brings you joy: getting a mani/pedi, taking time to walk or meditate, eating that favorite healthy food… those kinds of things.
Other times self-compassion can look like taking a break: getting the rest you need: reading that book you’ve been wanting to start: watching your favorite movie again or simply hanging out with friends to hear about what’s going on in their world. That may seem counter intuitive, that spending time with others is a way to exercise self-compassion, but connecting with others is something we need. Our brains are neurologically wired to connect, literally. Seeing and hearing others, hugs, sports—these are all things that our nervous system needs to be healthy. Nurturing friendships is a paradoxical, wonderful way to nurture yourself.
The thing about self-compassion is that it builds your resilience.
Life can be difficult. We need to build our resilience to face the challenges that present themselves to us, that cross our path. So it’s not about avoiding pain, necessarily, but more about being kind to ourselves through everything, because that helps us get through to the other side, whether that’s making a change, meeting a goal or simply getting through the day. ‘Cause some days are like that. There’s a way to “gain” despite the “pain,” not because of it. No need to add any extra difficulty, there’s already plenty.
So how can we increase our self-compassion, especially if we have a habit of being self-critical? One way is to give yourself permission to just be who you are, right now, and to take small steps toward being kinder. Start with just noticing that criticism or that negative thought. Pause and take a moment to imagine a kind substitute. What would you say to your best friend if they were going through the same thing? “You’re doing the best you can.” “Everyone makes mistakes.” These are good places to start. Pay attention to how kindness toward you feels. It’s ok if it feels odd. New things do, even when they’re good. It’s an opportunity to give yourself space with it. Breathe and practice kindness and self-compassion.
Especially in this heat! Another glass of iced tea, please.
Agree? Disagree? Questions? All feedback welcome! Email YourBestHereOlney@gmail.com. Feel free to make suggestions if there’s a topic you’d like to hear more about. All feedback will remain confidential (unless limited by law). Mona Bernhardt, LCSW grew up in Olney and happily returned after living elsewhere for 40 years.