Love Must Be Tender

I suppose when I was younger, I always imagined myself as a tough wife--as one who wouldn’t put up with this or that. When I was a newlywed, I kept a list of things in my mind that would make me walk out. Non-negotiables. “Love must be tough,” says one Christian psychologist. And I know it must be true. Sometimes we have to dig in and fight for our marriages and ourselves. Sometimes we have to take action and say, “I cannot tolerate this any longer.” I know this because I have seen the deeply set beating heart of so many marriages in Chad’s office, when couples come in with issues so big that it seems hopeless, when lines must be drawn and plans must be made: change or watch your life together wither and fade.

And in those meetings I often wonder, “What if it were us?” What if I found myself facing my husband’s infidelity? What if a stubbornness and pride was so deeply sewn into the fabric of my life’s partner that it kept us from ever really knowing each other or enjoying the close friendship that we all imagine when we picture an ideal marriage? What if I were faced with the terribly difficult task of insisting that things drastically change in our relationship?

And in those moments, now almost twenty-five years into my own marriage, I can still imagine scenarios where I might find a toughness coming out in me. Where I would roll up my sleeves and fight the battle of my life, where I would find myself on the opposite side as Chad, staunchly holding my ground. And maybe I would be right. Maybe I would be righteous and determined to prove it.

But I think I have finally learned that while it’s true that sometimes love must be tough, in the end it’s not the indignation or the holy anger or the demands, however reasonable, that will keep us together no matter what. It’s the tenderness.

The form that tenderness takes from marriage to marriage may look different. In some marriages, it may have to be fairly invisible, like a wife who stands her ground again behaviors that are intolerable but prays desperately and with love for her husband day and night. In some marriages it may look like letting go of your anger over the things that you once thought you would never stand for, like messiness or a spouse who works hours that are too long, or a lack of demonstrated romance. There are so many ways that we can be tender toward each other. Some of those ways will just be between you and God, who sees all of the ways that you don’t speak harsh words when you feel like it and the deep longings of your heart that are going unfulfilled in your marriage. Other tender ways will be noticed by your spouse, and tenderness always has the potential to melt a cold heart, to open a dialogue, to refresh a dull relationship, to remind you both why you ever jumped into this life together to begin with.

I pray that God will keep Chad and me tender, whatever is ahead on the road of marriage and life, even in the little annoyances and the routine squabbles. Hard hearts stubbornly beat out their own, self-serving rhythms, but tender hearts find each other through all the noise. Love must be tender, even in the tough times.